The Revenge of Eliza
by nikham3
Summary: Written after the Brits take over the Drunken Clam and Eliza is sent to the orphanage. Well, she comes back, and pretty much takes off where the last episode left off, they're after Lois. COMPLETE!
1. to plot

The Revenge of Eliza

Stewy sat on the couch one day, reading a recent letter Eliza, the Brit, had sent him. It read:

Dear Stewy, I shall come to visit you very soon, as soon as I break out of this bloody orphanage.  
Do await my return, for I have a specific reason. I shall come to do away with your bloody mother.  
Do not be sad, dear Stewy, for after she is dead, we will run off into the moonlight and you shall teach me more of the American language. I do count the seconds, five exactly, until I meet again with you.

Stewy counted to 5. Eliza burst into the room.

"Stewy, dear brother of God, I have returned!" Eliza shouted into the living room.

"Yes, I can see that. Now, Eliza, darling, tell me exactly what your plans be for the 'doing away with' of Lois," Stewy answered.

"Well, I've got not a plan, I was hoping you would participate in that part."

"NO PLAN!" Stewy yelled. "Bloody murder, you English dope! Yes, yes, we will have to make one. Let's see..."

"Can I have a spot of tea, I am very tired from the way here?" Eliza asked.

"Yes, yes, Lois! Give Eliza tea!" Stewy commanded.

"What's that? Oh, your poor friend, here's some tea dear," Lois said and walked out.

"Now, now, Stewy, we will think long and hard. Hmm, this be quite a thinker, yes?" Eliza asked.

"Yes, you loser, we will have to think hard to commit a murder and run away!" Stewy responded.

"Hmm, what if we slice off her head and stick it in the cookie jar, so when the fat man goes for a bite, he will scream bloody hell!" Eliza thought.

"Yes, yes, but the fat boy will get it first. We will need to think harder," Stewy rejected.

"How about we stab her from behind?" Eliza suggested.

"I have a better idea. Let's get her drunk and marry her off to Quagmire, then she will commit suicide," Stewy announced.

"Who in the heck be Quagmire?" Eliza pondered.

"The bloody (cringe) neighbor. I cannot believe I am starting to talk like you ignorant Brits (A/n: no offense, it is just Stewy)!"

"And why be it she will commit suicide?" Eliza asked.

Cuts to Quagmire's bedroom (CLOSET for those who have seen it when Quagmire takes care of the kids for the weekend).

"Oh," Eliza said.

"Exactly, now, here's how it goes down," Stewy said.

Cuts to the Drunken Clam, where Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland sat at a booth.

"Peter, it is okay if your bunny never comes back. At least we know someday it will be in a better place," Cleveland said, looking up towards the ceiling.

"I never had a bunny," Peter said.

"I know, but I had to give that speech to someone," Cleveland explained.

"You're all a bunch of morons!" Joe yelled.

"All except me! GIGGITY GIGGITY!" Quagmire yelled.

"Nope, you too," Joe answered. Quagmire's shoulders fell and he looked at the floor in a depressed way.

"So, Peter, it is almost your anniversary with Lois, what are you doing?" Joe asked.

"What's an anniversary?" Peter asked.

Joe's hand smacked his forehead, he rolled his eyes. "Forget I asked."

"No problem, buddy," Peter replied.

"Dangit, another year has gone by that I haven't gotten to be with Lois," Quagmire said, depressed.

"Don't worry, Quag, you'll get her someday," Cleveland encouraged.

"Hey!" Peter shouted.

Cuts Lois and Meg on a shopping trip. Lois is holding up a bra.

"Mom! I don't want to do this in public!" Meg shouted.

"You remember last time we went to the black market?" Lois asked.

Flashback to the Blackmarket where Lois is holding up a bra.

"Mom, I can't wear that!" Meg whined.

"Why not?" Lois asked.

"Mom, that is not a bra," Meg sighed.

Lois looked at the thing she was holding. It transformed before their eyes into an evil bunny and attacked Lois. The screen scrolled over to Stewy standing shouting, "YES YES YES!"

Back to the present:

"You're right," Meg sighed. "But that was kinda fun."

Lois gave Meg a look and Meg pressed her lips together.

"Mom, what are you doing for your anniversary?" Meg asked.

"Your father doesn't even know what an anniversary is, so we just don't do them. This is our 15th year together," Lois sighed.

"Oh," Meg replied.

The violin music started playing, and the screen scrolled over to where the violinist was playing. Meg went over to him, and smashed his violin over his head.

"LEARN TO PLAY THE GUITAR, FREAK!" Meg screamed.

"You wretched little boy!" the violinist yelled.

"I AM NOT A BOY!" Meg chased the violinist away out of the shop, and the screen focused on Lois, who just shrugged her shoulders.

My first Family Guy fanfic, review please. Oh, just to let you know, this takes place shortly after the episode where the Brits take over the Drunken Clam, and if you haven't seen it, you don't know what the heck I am talking about.  
It is very hard to write for Eliza's part, because I am not British. I know it is short, but please review!


	2. The death

Peter walked into the living room smelling really bad.

"Peter, we are going out to dinner, why do you smell like fish?" Lois asked, slightly annoyed.

"They peed on me, Lois!" Peter whined.

"That's it!" Lois shouted. "I am sick of hearing you whine and complain! That's all you do, when you're not being completely stupid! I am going out for a break, and when I get back, I expect this house to be clean, everyone to smell good and look good, or I'm _leaving_ for good!"

She stomped out the front door. What she didn't know was that Stewy and Eliza had stowed away in her car, and they knew Lois would explode after Peter came back from fishing with the stench of mechanical fish pee. They followed her in the car to the Drunken Clam. When she got out, they jumped out the trunk and slipped in with her. She met some friends in the corner of the bar, and sat with them. Everything was working well for Eliza and Stewy; Quagmire had arrived and was heading towards Lois.

To make a long, bad, story short, Quagmire bought her many drinks, she was way too drunk, and they got married at midnight. Eliza caught it on tape for Lois to see when she woke up in Quagmire's bed the next day.

"Holy Chris's monkey in the closet!" Lois screamed. Cuts to Chris's monkey sitting on a throne and the world bowing down to him. Then it cuts back to Lois. "What am I doing here?"

Quagmire appeared, put the video in the VCR, and set a breakfast plate on her bed.

"It's our wedding video, my lady," he answered. Lois screamed. Now she was stuck with him, because she knew he wouldn't sign divorce papers. "Do you want coffee or tea?" Quagmire asked her. Lois fainted.

She woke up an hour later, thinking it was a dream, but then Quagmire appeared again. She screamed again. "What's wrong with you? Giggity giggity!" Quagmire asked.

Lois walked into the kitchen. She took some vitamin pills, and sat down near the knife box. She looked at the shining blades. Would it be okay if she decided to leave both her ignorant ex-husband and this perverted husband? She sighed; she guessed it would be okay. She took one of the smaller ones, that wouldn't do the job. She picked up a larger one, she would use that one. Stewy and Eliza stood in the shadows, anticipating the moment the blade crushed through her heart.

A few moments later, the knife was pushed through her body. She lay lifeless against the kitchen counter. Stewy and Eliza jumped for joy. They squealed and laughed maniacally. Nothing was better than accomplishing a lifelong goal. Quagmire stepped into the kitchen.

"LOIS!" he cried. "Oh, what has brought you to this deep dark cave?" He sobbed over the body more.

A few days later, there was a funeral service for her. Eliza and Stewy had dressed accordingly, just to blend in. Quagmire mourned closest to the casket, while Peter ate from the buffet table, Meg stared admiringly at a boy, and Chris ran away from the evil monkey. Stewy and Eliza stood in a corner shouting for joy.

Eliza wandered off and saw a flash of light out of the corner of her eye. She turned toward it and heard a voice. "Eliza," it called. "Come closer."

So she went closer, "Who are you?"

"I am your conscious, I have come to haunt you for the wrong you have committed," the voice said.

"Oh bloody, no!" Eliza shouted. "I don't want to be haunted by a horrific creature!"

"You deserve it!"

"No, please no!" Eliza shouted. No one seemed to hear her.

"Eliza, I will give you one last chance to make things right," the voice relented.

"What do I have to bloody do?" Eliza asked.

"I will turn back time, you have to let me. Take Stewy to his room and we will go back to the beginning of this adventure."

Eliza obeyed, capturing Stewy and tying him down to a chair in his room. There was a large gust of wind and when Eliza came to it, she was at her house, neighboring Stewy's.

"Daddy!" she shouted at the sight of Nigel. "You're back!"

"I never went anywhere, my spot of tea. Now let's go invite Lois and Stewy to your party!" Nigel answered.

"Daddy," Eliza moaned. "I do not want them to come to my party."

"Okay, spot of tea, we will enjoy our other company," Nigel answered.

Eliza winked at the screen as her dad carried her off. The monkey smiled and laughed maniacally and the screen went black.

"That was some lame-o show," Peter laughed as he snapped off the television.

"Tell me about it," Lois agreed, "Who wants more popcorn?"

"I do!" Meg shouted.

"Meg, young boys like you don't need to eat popcorn," Lois said.

Meg shouted, "I AM NOT A BOY!"

The End. Tell me how you liked it; it was kind of weird, I know. Review!


End file.
